Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’ve got places to go
And stories to say
You’ve got heart in your chest
And cash in your hand
You’ll soon learn to navigate
This great, social land.
And while you’re an introvert
No parties for you,
Your quest begins now!
First one step, then two.
You’ll be at a party,
With friends oh so dear
And you’ll think to yourself,
“Why the fuck am I here?
Ruby’s a hippie who’s on about free love
And Robert’s a vegan, that’s all that he speaks of!”
And you’ll be filled with emotions that are incomparable
And you’ll realize that your friends are just fucking terrible.
Oh, the places you’ll wish you hadn’t gone!
You’ll be on your way out
And get stopped at the door
By your Trump-voting friend who’s an impudent bore
A spiteful soliloquy on emails and Benghazi
The conclusion that Trump is, quote, “barely a Nazi”
You’ll really wish you hadn’t gone to all the places you’ll go!
You’ll soar to new heights
At your Thanksgiving table
When your dear auntie Darla, racist and unstable
Will ask your new girlfriend, who is part black and part Thai
If she’s one half black panther and half Samurai
But by then you’ll have mastered the Irish Goodbye!
You won’t lag behind,
For you’ve got the speed!
You can run away in any direction you please.
But sometimes you won’t.
Because sometimes you can’t
Avoid these disasters
Like vegans or Aunts
You’ll probably wish you had stayed home today
And that the places you’ll go could be far, far away.
One day you’ll be at a company picnic
Your boss boozy and touchy, just being a prick.
He’ll drunkenly ask, “So, are the twins real”
When HR comes knocking, whines: “What’s the big deal!”
You’ll wish you’d stayed home from this company outing
But still, fear your detachment will just keep you doubting,
“Maybe I should try to be a good friend!”
Instead of viewing canceled plans as a no-shit godsend.
Oh, the places you’ll wish you hadn’t gone!
You’ll be on the train, headphones over ear,
When a talkative passenger says, “can I sit here?”
You’ll be in a Lyft en route to the zoo
When your driver then asks, “So, what do you do?”
A friend’s cocktail hour, a nightmarish dream
A two-hour pitch on a pyramid scheme
Coffee with old friends, June and Xavier
Want you to know Christ, your true Lord and savior
You’ll spiral and cancel and your friends take the cue
You’ll get your wish then,
Your friends stop calling you.
And then you’ll be all alone.
That’s your goal, right?
Golf solo at dawn
Read alone on most nights
You’re a lone wanderer!
A lonely, strummed chord
But you’ll realize quite fast
You’ve become a bit bored.
So you’ll get on back out there,
Just nauseous with fear
Until one day you’ll think,
Hey, it’s not so bad here.
It’s not so bad here your loved ones are near.
Your friends will forgive
You needed a breather
But the truth of the matter
Is that they don’t like you either
Everyone hates everyone (mostly) it’s the law of the land
And once you get out there, you’ll soon understand.
It’s okay to leave early!
You’ve done nothing wrong
When you tire of others
Just sound off the gong!
Like a black girl on The Bachelor
You won’t be there long!
Oh, the places you’ll wish you hadn’t gone.
Introversion is fine, solitude grand
But every once in a while, we all need a hand.
Kid, you’ll be great!
Some of the time.
Sometimes people suck!
And that’s totally fine.
You’ll want to go out
Then want to retract
But remember it’s all one
big balancing act
Netflix and chilling at home with your cat
Or some human company, if you’re feeling that
Just do what you want, don’t be a doormat.
There are places you’ll wish you had
Never, ever gone
But take the good with the bad,
Then learn to move on.
Just heed my advice,
Enjoy being alone
But the amazing rarely happens
In your little comfort zone.
Stay at home when you want
Meet friends when you need
It’ll all work out
99 and one half percent guaranteed!
. 