Oh, The Places You’ll Wish You Hadn’t Gone

Congratulations! 

Today is your day. 

You’ve got places to go

And stories to say

You’ve got heart in your chest

And cash in your hand

You’ll soon learn to navigate

This great, social land. 

And while you’re an introvert

No parties for you,

Your quest begins now! 

First one step, then two. 

 

You’ll be at a party,

With friends oh so dear

And you’ll think to yourself, 

“Why the fuck am I here?

Ruby’s a hippie who’s on about free love

And Robert’s a vegan, that’s all that he speaks of!” 

And you’ll be filled with emotions that are incomparable

And you’ll realize that your friends are just fucking terrible. 

 

Oh, the places you’ll wish you hadn’t gone! 

You’ll be on your way out

And get stopped at the door

By your Trump-voting friend who’s an impudent bore

A spiteful soliloquy on emails and Benghazi

The conclusion that Trump is, quote, “barely a Nazi”

 

You’ll really wish you hadn’t gone to all the places you’ll go! 

You’ll soar to new heights

At your Thanksgiving table

When your dear auntie Darla, racist and unstable

Will ask your new girlfriend, who is part black and part Thai

If she’s one half black panther and half Samurai

But by then you’ll have mastered the Irish Goodbye!

 

You won’t lag behind,

For you’ve got the speed! 

You can run away in any direction you please. 

But sometimes you won’t.

Because sometimes you can’t

Avoid these disasters

Like vegans or Aunts

You’ll probably wish you had stayed home today

And that the places you’ll go could be far, far away. 

 

One day you’ll be at a company picnic

Your boss boozy and touchy, just being a prick.

He’ll drunkenly ask, “So, are the twins real”

When HR comes knocking, whines: “What’s the big deal!” 

You’ll wish you’d stayed home from this company outing

But still, fear your detachment will just keep you doubting,

“Maybe I should try to be a good friend!” 

Instead of viewing canceled plans as a no-shit godsend.

 

Oh, the places you’ll wish you hadn’t gone! 

You’ll be on the train, headphones over ear,

When a talkative passenger says, “can I sit here?”

You’ll be in a Lyft en route to the zoo

When your driver then asks, “So, what do you do?”

A friend’s cocktail hour, a nightmarish dream

A two-hour pitch on a pyramid scheme

Coffee with old friends, June and Xavier

Want you to know Christ, your true Lord and savior

You’ll spiral and cancel and your friends take the cue

You’ll get your wish then,

Your friends stop calling you.

 

And then you’ll be all alone. 

That’s your goal, right?

Golf solo at dawn

Read alone on most nights

You’re a lone wanderer! 

A lonely, strummed chord

But you’ll realize quite fast

You’ve become a bit bored. 

So you’ll get on back out there, 

Just nauseous with fear

Until one day you’ll think,

Hey, it’s not so bad here. 

It’s not so bad here your loved ones are near.

 

Your friends will forgive

You needed a breather

But the truth of the matter

Is that they don’t like you either

Everyone hates everyone (mostly) it’s the law of the land

And once you get out there, you’ll soon understand. 

 

It’s okay to leave early!

You’ve done nothing wrong

When you tire of others

Just sound off the gong! 

Like a black girl on The Bachelor

You won’t be there long!

 

Oh, the places you’ll wish you hadn’t gone.

Introversion is fine, solitude grand

But every once in a while, we all need a hand. 

 

Kid, you’ll be great! 

Some of the time. 

Sometimes people suck! 

And that’s totally fine.

 

You’ll want to go out

Then want to retract

But remember it’s all one 

big balancing act

 

Netflix and chilling at home with your cat

Or some human company, if you’re feeling that

Just do what you want, don’t be a doormat. 

 

There are places you’ll wish you had

Never, ever gone

But take the good with the bad, 

Then learn to move on.

 

Just heed my advice, 

Enjoy being alone

But the amazing rarely happens

In your little comfort zone.

 

Stay at home when you want

Meet friends when you need

It’ll all work out

99 and one half percent guaranteed! 

 

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