My Sim is a More Successful Comic Than Me:

How I found my Zen in the Aftermath

Ever since I was a kid, I loved playing The Sims game series. Over the past 18 years, I’ve played every single incarnation of the game, from SimCity, all the way to The Urbz: Sims in the City, a game so compelling and charismatic that you’ll almost forget that it was a terrible game. If I wanted to have a fever dream that was scored by the Black Eyed Peas, I would have just gone to my middle school dances. 

I was an imaginative (but pretty reserved) kid, and playing The Sims really appealed to the side of me that enjoyed experimenting with social science without having to leave my comfort zone. Essentially, I learned that it was socially acceptable to lock people in my basement and starve them until they agreed to be my friend. Of course, I would never act on this urge in real life. Mostly because I don’t have a basement.

The Sims series is the answer to the prayer of any kid who had many big dreams, but almost no close friends. Therefore, it goes without saying that The Sims still holds the honor of being one of my favorite games of all time. As a matter of fact, the only other games that currently measure up are 1. Skyrim 2. Of Thrones and 3. The Game.

The Sims allowed me the opportunity to explore experiences that are fanciful and imaginative, like successful romantic interactions, or free healthcare. Recently, I started playing the newest episode of the series, The Sims 4. There’s a lot of upside to the new game – better graphics, groovier Simlish tunes, not to mention the aggressively large volume of EA’s infamous expansion packs. Seriously, who’s buying those? I assume that those among us who own the entire collection possesses an almost Lex Luthorian amount of expendable time and money. Sorry, I’m getting off track here.

The best new addition to the latest episode of my favorite interactive soap opera is the broadened path of the “Entertainment” career branch in which your Sim can choose to be a stand-up comedian. At first I was a little confused by this, simply because one doesn’t choose to be a stand-up comedian. Being a comedian is something that happens to you, like a car accident, or a warlock’s curse. One day you’re just a normal fella with a job and a car, then one day you catch yourself having witty observations about topical stories in news and pop culture. Your friends abandon you (as they should), your spouse leaves you, and that, my friend, is the day that you go to your first open mic. But The Sims 4 smartly thought to skip all that and jump right to the good stuff.

I’d like to introduce you to two comedians. That’s me, Alexandria Love.

Here’s the Sim that I made.

I call her Sim Alexandria, or Simlexandria for short. Simlexandria has a dynamic and vivid life. Much like me, she’s an only child. Also much like me, she might be a little bit of a psychopath. More on that later.

Anyway, like myself, Simlexandria shares a cute little apartment in the same city where she does comedy. She has two roommates, Julio McNugget (an alien) and Daphne Sterling (not an alien, and gets very offended if you ask).

I, the Real Alexandria (or, Realexandria for short) only have one roommate. Her name is Anna, and I’m almost 75% sure that she’s probably not an alien. I don’t have any pictures of Anna and I together, so instead here’s a picture of Anne Hathaway, because Anna will find that as funny as I do.

My Sim and I have a lot in common. Here’s a photo of us dressed alike, like how white people do with their pets.

Simlexandria and I share a lot of similarities, which I discovered as I played the game. However, there are a few notable differences between us – the largest difference being that Simlexandria is actually like, a really good comedian. It’s really frustrating.

Simlexandria is one of those comedians where you hear one of her jokes and think, “How did I not think of that?” even though she’s technically not speaking any sort of conceivable language. It’s just her stage presence, y’know? She has serious swagger. Her joke writing is so next level, she makes me want to rethink some of my material. She has this killer closing joke where she goes, “Wabbadu du Flarg?” and it fucking crushes every single time. Simlexandria doesn’t always have perfect nights in comedy, though, much like the rest of us. The difference is that when the crowd starts booing and heckling her, she can leave the stage and high five the audience until they like her again. If I tried to do that, I would terrify people.

Simlexandria’s comedy takes her to exotic places to perform in front of interesting people.

Here’s a similar photo of me ruining everyone’s night with my comedy at a nice Italian restaurant.

Here’s Simlex doing some killer crowdwork at a local Simopolis Lounge, while I bomb in front of two people at a laundromat.

Wabba Du? Wabba Du? Hiram mika du rop? haha amirite ladies

First things first, RIP Brainwash Cafe.

I’m just saying. If Simlexandria were a comic in my scene, I would be constantly texting this chick trying to have lunch with her to learn her comedy secrets and be her best friend. And she would absolutely always leave my texts on “Read”. Or, whatever the word for “read” is in Simlish. Maybe “Flarg!”?

Simlexandria has comedy all figured out. She once did comedy for 16 straight hours at a party in her apartment. As if that wasn’t enough, the moment she got off the stage, she was immediately abducted by aliens.

That lucky broad! I haven’t had a real vacation in years and she just gets to dematerialize into deep space. Also, and I hate that I even have to mention this, but there is little to no danger of Simlexandria having to deal with 45-year-old Sim comedians jerking off in her green room. This girl has got it made.

So, yes, sometimes I get a little jealous of her. Occasionally, I think that Simlexandria is coasting as a comedian. Let’s be real, it must be way easier to be a comedian in her world. In The Sims, there’s no such thing as Donald Trump. There’s no travel ban in Simopolis – as I mentioned, her roommate is an actual alien. Can you imagine the kind of wall we would have to build if that was the case in real life? Not only is there no Trump, I don’t think there’s even a government body in her universe. I have never once seen Simlexandria do her taxes. It must be really easy to make people laugh in a universe where the biggest concern amongst young adult Sims is Woohooing yourself to death.

But I have to stop myself here – virtual or not, I won’t allow myself to tear down another successful female comedian. It’s hard enough out here for all of us. Sure, Simlexandria doesn’t let stand up interfere with her dating life, since she gets Woohoo’ed all the time. Occasionally, until one or both parties are dead. Sure, Simlexandria gets paid mostly in some form of paper currency and not in tacos and weed as yours truly has become accustomed to. The point isn’t that I am a lesser comedian than my own creation. The point is that since she’s my creation, I can put her in a pool with no ladder and watch her sink to her death. And that, kids, is how I learned to solve my jealousy problem.

I’ve been very guilty recently of the awful habit of comparing myself to my peers. Not just in stand-up, but in life. I’m not the only one in the world that occasionally feels a little insecure about their achievements (or lack thereof).  I like to set goals for myself. Some goals are big, like finding greater success in comedy, forging deeper romantic and platonic relationships, managing my depression and anxiety better. Sometimes those goals are small, like being a better friend, or not biting my nails. I often reach these goals, but sometimes I fail. Failing is almost never a good feeling, unless you’re failing at bad things, like smoking crack, or a Buzzfeed quiz.

The cherry on top is seeing your friends and neighbors progressing in their goals, which is awesome! But it puts evil little thoughts in your head like, “Why aren’t I there yet?” and “What’s wrong with me?”  and “Why can’t I be better?” I’m a strong believer in self-reflection, but speaking for myself, thoughts like those tend to be more damaging than reflective. I get so wrapped up in wondering what’s wrong with me that I forget to focus on taking the steps to reach the goals I set out to reach! And so when these evil thoughts like, “Why am I not good enough?” emerge, I take those thoughts, I throw them in the pool, remove the ladder from the pool and watch those thoughts drown. I find it cleansing – a washing away of insecurities and doubt, which was, ultimately, the biggest thing keeping me from achieving those goals in the first place. And if you’re still a fan of mine after reading that, congratulations, you need psychological counseling.

I’m working on being less insecure. Confidence comes easily to some of us. Like Simlexandria. Remember though, even the people that seem to have it all figured out often feel as lost as you and me. Simlexandria’s life isn’t perfect. Sure, Simlexandria probably doesn’t even get periods.

Wait.

On second thought, she can go fuck herself.

I’m glad I drowned her in the pool.