On July 1st, I will turn 24 years old, which is officially the end of my early twenties. I’m looking forward to a long life of complaining and talking loudly in empty sports bars, and I’m proud to say I’m nearly a pro at those things. After every year of my life, I evaluate who I am as a person. I ask, “What do I want to change about myself?” even though the obvious answer is “Literally Everything”.
That’s not entirely true. I like myself as a person. But there are still things I want to change. Here’s a non-exhaustive list:
Telling People About My Blog.
Unless I write for Buzzfeed, Refinery29, or any publication that people relentlessly share on Facebook, no one gives a shit about my blog. I don’t feel too bad about that, because I don’t care about your blog either. If you’re a 30-year-old babysitter/“entrepreneur” with a lifestyle blog, shut it down, because I’m not about that lifestyle.
Telling People About My Study Abroad Trip
My favorite/the most pretentious sentences I’ve ever said have all started with: “I used to study abroad in Paris…” but if you ask me to say anything in French, I will shuffle my feet, look down, and say: “It’s been a while.” I always thought that studying abroad was one of the coolest things about me. Then I realized that this probably makes me a pretty uncool person.
Bringing Up How I was Bullied in Middle/High School
This is a bad habit I have, and it’s frustrating that I can’t seem to get past that awkward black girl I used to be. However, the older I got the more I realize that I’ll always be that girl. Which is great, because that girl was awesome: a Harry Potter guru, a daring outfit chooser, and a master Pokemon collector. I was also more trusting, and I always saw the best in people. Sometimes I wish I were still that cool. And yes, in case you were wondering – I did catch them all**
**of the original 151.
Getting Any More Piercings
If you see me with a septum piercing, assume I have a long-lost twin sister who makes awful decisions. And if you see me with a nipple piercing, back up, you’re standing too close.
Shopping at Forever 21
Admittedly, this is mostly because of my giant boobs. I can stretch out one of those blouses like a lawyer stretches the truth.
Planning My Wedding (While Single)
Every girl (that I know) has a wedding Pinterest board, binder, or at least a general idea of the aesthetics of their big day. I do too. But I assume that when I finally meet Mr. Alex Love, he might want some input too. Also, my style changes every year. Can you believe I pinned a mermaid style dress once? What am I, an Italian mob wife?
Dating Drummers, Rappers, Comedians, and Anyone who Skateboards
I don’t date comics anymore, which isn’t my choice. It’s mostly because they’ve all heard my jokes. Dating rappers is hard, too. Kanye West once warned me that when he gets on, he will leave yo ass for a white girl. Drummers are okay if you don’t mind paying for all of your dates. Dating skateboarders will always be a no unless your name is Avril Lavigne.
This is a sticky one, pun intended. This isn’t really about men, but more just for personal health. It took me years of womanhood before I learned that you’re supposed to pee after intercourse. It was one itchy summer.
Describing Myself as “Quirky” or “The Cool Girl”
I think I’ve officially risen above trying to be the “Manic Pixie Dream Girl”, and the “Cool Girl”. My laugh isn’t adorable, I don’t like to dance like nobody’s watching, and I no longer sport cartoon characters on my underwear. But hey, if you find a girl who fits that description, peel off her Adventure Time panties and do what you want, as long as it’s consensual.
Using Glitter Nail Polish
This one is like learning how to multiply by 1; it’s pretty self-explanatory.
Blaming Current Boyfriends for What High School Ex Boyfriends Did
But you know what you did, Trevor. #FuckTrevor2016
Physically Comparing Myself to Other Women
I never considered myself to be a particularly pretty girl because I didn’t look like the famous women I considered to be beautiful. Then I realized that beauty doesn’t have just one defining trait. I find some skinny girls beautiful, and some big girls too. Green eyes, brown eyes, dark skin, a tail, four legs, dogs. I guess what I’m saying is that I really love dogs, you guys.
It’s getting to the point where I’ll start doing irreparable damage to my teeth, skin, and lungs. Most importantly, my skin. They say that black don’t crack, but it does if you chain smoke.
Talking About My Sorority
Yes, I love my big. I think you should love my big too. She’s amazing, perfect, and blonde. Her name is Katie. She just got her Masters from Columbia. You may say I bought my friends. I didn’t. I mostly bought rush-based tee shirts and alarmingly cheap alcohol.
Texting While Driving
I don’t have nuclear launch codes, I don’t have kids – hell, I don’t even have a day job. There’s nothing so important on my iPhone that I should put my life – and the lives of others – at risk by texting while driving. If you crash your car while you’re Snapchatting with the miles per hour filter, it recategorizes your death from “tragedy” to“Natural Selection”.
Complaining About How I’ll Always Be Alone
Like most single women, I love to complain about being single. Maybe we do it because we want to put it in the universe that we want to find somebody, but maybe your mid-twenties aren’t supposed to be about that. Maybe it’s supposed to be about going on adventures, learning new things, and making new friends. At 24, maybe being single isn’t being alone. That being said, it’s also nice to not have to shave my legs (not that I would anyway).
Biting My Nails
It really gets in the way of me picking my nose. Priorities, people.
Harboring Unrequited Crushes on Celebrities
The obvious exceptions being Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Rihanna, and a 24-year-old Paul Rudd from Clueless.
Being Mean Just For Fun.
Actually, never mind, I’ll probably keep doing that.